Trump Tries Working at McDonald’s for a Day, Gets PIP for Ball Pit Antics
FEASTERVILLE-TREVOSE, PA — Donald Trump’s latest “investigation” into Kamala Harris’s supposed McDonald’s work history spiraled into surreal chaos this Sunday, as the former president attempted to assert dominance over the fry station, botched customer orders, and—most bizarrely—engaged in a dick measuring contest with McDonald’s iconic mascot, Ronald McDonald.
“I am the best fry-cook ever!” - Trump, moments before starting small kitchen fire
Things started off weirdly enough when Trump grabbed a Happy Meal toy and declared, “McDonald’s understands gender. Look—boy toys, girl toys. It’s very clear. McDonald’s gets gender right, unlike the woke mob trying to confuse kids with trucks and dolls at the same time.” A child promptly threw the toy on the floor, making it clear who really ran the show.
But Trump’s attempt to man the counter quickly devolved into a series of mishaps. When one customer, Angie Thompson, ordered a Big Mac, Trump handed her a Filet-O-Fish instead, explaining, “Big Macs are for winners. You’ll get one when you’ve earned it.”
Things took a strange and awkward turn when Trump handed a salad to an overweight woman, completely ignoring her request for fries. “Trust me, you’ll thank me later,” he said, as the woman blinked in disbelief. “We’re making healthier choices now,” he added, patting her on the back and sending her away without an apology.
The most jaw-dropping moment of the day, however, came when Trump found himself face-to-face with Ronald McDonald. “Ronald, you’ve been grabbing attention for decades, but we all know who’s bigger,” Trump sneered, eyeing the statue up and down. “Let’s settle this.” According to witnesses, Trump made several laps around the statue, sizing up the clown before muttering, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Still bigger. Way bigger.” Critics claim the competition was unfair, with Trump competing fully erect against a flaccid Ronald.
Nonetheless, security footage would show that the contest was, in fact, a draw.
Donald Trump (left) with Ronald McDonald (right) conveying Trump’s measurement with more than generous rounding up
Just when things couldn’t get more absurd, Trump disappeared from the fry station only to be found moments later in the McDonald’s PlayPlace, gleefully cannonballing into the ball pit. “This is the best job ever!” Trump yelled as he dove through plastic balls.
“I’d do it for free—no need to raise the wages of fast food workers when you’ve got this much fun!”
Unfortunately for Trump, his antics didn’t go unnoticed by the McDonald’s staff, who reportedly put him on a performance improvement plan (PIP) for “inappropriate ball pit behavior.” One manager was overheard saying, “We don’t usually have to PIP people on their first day, but there’s a first time for everything.”
Trump contested the PIP, citing “Presidential Immunity.”
Before leaving, Trump made his way to the famously broken ice cream machine. Ducking under it, he announced, “Kamala never fixed the ice cream. I’m the only one who could ever do it, folks!” After several moments of loud clanking and muffled curses, Trump emerged, covered in soft-serve, to declare the machine still “unfixable.”
“I’ve made McDonald’s great again today, believe me,” Trump shouted, wiping the melted ice cream from his hair. “Bigger Macs, bigger toys, and bigger... well, you know the rest.”
McDonald's later issued a statement distancing themselves from the day’s events, assuring customers that their Happy Meal toys remain “gender-neutral” and that Ronald McDonald does not engage in any form of contest, especially of the anatomical variety. As for the ice cream machine, it remains broken, much like everyone’s faith in that day’s events.