Trump Delivers Stirring Final Message to Voters: 'Arnold Palmer Was Naked, and That’s Important'
LATROBE, PA — In a campaign stop filled with unexpected turns, former President Donald Trump made his final case to voters by introducing a topic no one saw coming: Arnold Palmer’s locker room dominance. Over the course of 15 minutes, Trump waxed nostalgic about Palmer’s physique and the silent respect he commanded, leaving his audience hot and bothered, or at least just the latter.
"Arnold Palmer didn’t even need to use a golf club—if you know what I mean. He was a legend in every sense of the word, folks. They’d see him in the showers, and I’m telling you, it was unbelievable."
Donald Trump demonstrating the size of Palmer’s ‘downstairs’ when asked about his tariff policy
Trump continued by ranking athletes based on what he described as their “locker room presence.”
"Arnold’s number one. Everyone knows that, but I’ve seen them all, folks. Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, LeBron—great on the court, but you really know a man by what happens in the locker room."
Trump continued his breakdown, putting Palmer at the top and adding colorful commentary about legends like Wilt Chamberlain ("he had numbers on and off the court"), Michael Jordan ("impressive, but no Palmer"), and Tom Brady ("a winner, but too clean-cut for my taste").
Rally-goers were heard murmuring, “How does he even know this?” and Trump answered:
"Here’s how I know, folks. Palmer’s caddy—great guy—told a guy who was married to his second cousin’s neighbor. That guy? He played golf at one of my courses. He mentioned it to one of my employees, who told a friend of his, who once worked as a driver for a guy who knew someone who worked at Palmer’s country club. I practically begged him, folks, for pictures. I said, ‘Come on, Arny, the people have to know!’ And let me tell you, he finally gave in. That caddy? He wasn’t lying. The stories were true. Tremendous."
To emphasize his admiration, Trump also revealed that back in the ‘80s, he had spent $2 million on a commissioned naked portrait of Arnold Palmer, which he proudly displays in his bathroom to this day. When asked her thoughts on the portrait, Melania said:
“I thought Keith Haring was an odd choice.”
“Palmer” — Keith Haring, circa 1987
The rally took an even stranger turn when one attendee voiced his frustration not with Trump, but with Vice President Kamala Harris—accusing her of failing to address the all-important issue of "locker room legends."
“It’s like Kamala’s hiding things from us!” the attendee shouted. “Where is she on this? She’s completely silent on the issue of sports dicks! It’s like she doesn’t want us to know the truth.”
The crowd murmured in agreement as Trump smiled and nodded approvingly.
“I’ve said it before, folks. Kamala is a disaster. Won’t even talk about locker room presence. You’ve got to wonder—what is she hiding?”