Musk Offers Supporters $47 For Petition Signatures, $50k to End Zuckerberg’s Marriage
In today's top story, billionaire Elon Musk’s America PAC will now offer supporters $47 for every registered voter who signs a petition in support of the First and Second Amendments. But Musk isn’t stopping at petitions! Sources say Musk is now offering $5 for every person who 'likes' his tweets, $10 if they retweet with the caption 'Elon is my best friend,' and a staggering $200 for anyone who uninstalls Facebook and then sends him a screenshot for verification."
And in a twist of petty rivalry, Musk has now pledged $50,000 to anyone who can help him break up Mark Zuckerberg’s marriage over a minor dispute they had at TechCrunch Disrupt regarding Web3 integration in the Metaverse. Musk has even laid out a 40-step plan— “Operation X-Wife”— which he published on Twitter.
“If you follow the plan, Mark will never see another boob in real life. We’re talking a lifetime supply of VR headsets and Web3 NFTs as his only ‘companionship.’ He may be a coding wizard, but let’s see him debug this marriage after I’m done.”
And speaking of his rivalry with Zuckerberg, Musk is now reportedly comping airfare for his supporters to cheer him on at the Colosseum where he plans to fight the Facebook creator in a gladiator battle.
He will also be handing out Teslas to anyone who shows up in a shirt that reads “I dated Priscilla first” or “Jesse Eisenberg was better.”
Shockingly, Musk is still single and is now offering $100,000 for the touch of a warm body.
In a recent TikTok, one desperate Stanford graduate student stated,
"I actually did that last one. It was awful. He made us roll around in a bed of Dogecoin, and I ended up with burns from the overheated servers! Apparently for Musk, the hottest thing he does in bed is mine crypto.”