Trump Mocks Past Presidents for Failing to Survive Assassination Attempts

In a bizarre yet somehow unsurprising press conference earlier today, Donald Trump took the opportunity not to address policy or upcoming elections but to claim superiority over past U.S. presidents—by virtue of still being alive after several assassination attempts.

"Look, Lincoln? Great guy, freed the slaves or whatever," Trump began, casually waving his hand. "But let’s be honest—he couldn’t even survive one little assassination attempt. Not like me. I’ve survived multiple attempts, and here I am, still standing. Stronger than ever. Much better president, really, if you think about it."

Trump went on to critique Lincoln’s choice of location for his demise. "Getting assassinated at a theater? Really? That’s so unmanly. I would never be caught dead getting assassinated at some play. I mean, could you imagine me getting assassinated at Wicked? Wicked! Give me a break. Not happening."

He continued, "I’ve only seen one Broadway show in my life—what was it? RENT, I think. It was about, you know, people who refuse to pay rent or something. I didn’t get it. I just kept thinking, 'Why don’t they just buy the buildings?'"

Trump then moved on to William McKinley. "McKinley? He got taken out at the Pan-American Exposition. Honestly, when I first heard that, I thought it was some kind of pansexual orgy. And a patriotic one at that! I was like, 'You know what? That is actually pretty cool.' I'd fist pump McKinley for that one," Trump said with a grin.

He also didn’t spare James A. Garfield. "Garfield? Assassinated at a train station. A train station, can you believe it? Who even takes trains? If he’d just taken a private jet funded by the taxpayers, like a real president, he’d still be alive today. But no, he was too busy being poor. Just sad."

In what can only be described as a truly Trumpian moment, he claimed that surviving assassination attempts is the "ultimate test of presidential greatness."

"I mean, anyone can sign a bill or give a speech, but can you survive someone trying to take you out? That’s what separates the good from the great," Trump declared. "I should get an award for this, really."

He also took a swipe at Ronald Reagan, who famously survived an attempt on his life. "People always bring up Reagan. Sure, he took a bullet, but I’m telling you, he didn’t do it with the same class I would’ve. He made too big a deal out of it. I would’ve shrugged it off and gone back to work immediately—no hospital. Tremendous strength."

Following the press conference, Vice President Kamala Harris made a solemn statement condemning political violence and urging Americans to come together to promote a peaceful democracy. "We must remember that our strength as a nation comes not from divisiveness but from our commitment to democracy and to one another," Harris emphasized.

Meanwhile, Trump doubled down with his characteristic flair: "They shot like Democrats. Clearly never touched a gun in their lives. They probably even miss in the urinal." With a smirk, he then dared anyone to "try again," giving the precise time and location where he would be "wearing a target."

The Secret Service has reportedly told Trump, "Bruh..."