CNN Projects Kamala Harris as Presidential Election Winner Following Taylor Swift Endorsement
CNN has projected Kamala Harris as the winner of the 2024 Presidential Election a month early, triggered by an unexpected endorsement from Taylor Swift on social media.
Campaign staffers for Donald Trump were reportedly “in shambles,” with Steve Bannon commenting, “We tried to get Kid Rock, but I guess that wasn’t enough.” In a desperate bid for a comeback, Trump turned to Cameo, attempting to trick celebrities into endorsing him. However, this plan quickly unraveled when Brad Pitt saw through it and refused to read the script Trump sent him in exchange for the promise of $50. This was even after Trump promised he was “totally good for it.” Somehow, though, the Trump campaign was able to get their hands on this resounding endorsement from Pitt anyway.
As GOP candidates scrambled to react, their awkward attempts to harness Swift’s influence turned into a national spectacle. Ron DeSantis held a rally where he proudly declared, “I’m totally a Swiftie,” before butchering the lyrics to Love Story and shouting, “You Belong With Me—because lower taxes help the economy!” He then bizarrely referenced Mine, claiming it perfectly captures the true essence of love— having ownership over your partner. In this vein, DeSantis introduced a new initiative requiring women to ask their husbands for permission before getting a haircut, calling it a “return to traditional family values” that would have “saved Taylor from bangs.”
Not to be outdone, Mike Pence issued an official campaign statement proclaiming that he’s always been a fan of 1989. That is, until aides urgently pulled him aside to clarify that his enthusiasm for 1989 might accidentally signal support for a radical stance on gender identity.
Meanwhile, House Republicans are pandering to Taylor Swift by introducing a new bill. The proposed legislation includes:
A rebate for fans who attended Taylor Swift's Eras Tour.
A clause designating the Kansas City Chiefs as perpetual Super Bowl champions.
An accountability rule for individuals resembling Jake Gyllenhaal who cause emotional distress to pop stars.
This bill hit the Senate this morning, where Mitch McConnell added an amendment he claims will end Kanye West’s rivalry with Taylor. This amendment, called “Yeezy Starship,” promises to launch Kanye West into space before Election Day.
Mitch McConnell will really do anything to suppress the black vote.