NC Lt. Governor’s PornHub Comments Spark Scandal, Unaware This is Business as Usual in Washington
GREENSBORO, NC — The comments section under Step-Mom’s Secret Desires has erupted after the discovery of an unexpected contributor—North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson (R, obviously). Robinson was caught making offensive and lewd comments in what he insisted was a “desperate ploy by them Dems to make me look like the asshole that I am before this election.” Following this scandal, a deeper investigation unearthed a surprising array of political figures leaving remarks across porn sites.
Robinson refusing to withdraw from of the governor race. “The want me to pull out! Who do they think I am? Deisel Magnum in Two Babes One Jacuzzi Adventure?!”
Unsurprisingly, Trump’s bold adult film comments made back in the oval office immediately surfaced. This PornHub Premium Member and Former Keeper of Nuclear Codes chimed in under the video Jenna Jameson Shows Off Her Best Assets to rekindle an old flame with the “Queen of Porn.”
“Jenna, I want to apologize for sending you home in an Uber Pool after our torrid affair back in 2016. I was a bachelor then and didn’t know any better. How was I supposed to know you’d end up having to share the ride with Wes Anderson? UGH! I’m so sorry. Now, let’s be clear — you didn’t really do anything to earn an Uber Black— but I could’ve done better. Let me make it up to you. Melania’s in Milan next week for an endangered species hottest furs fashion show. My address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and the gate code is 8008. Thought of you when I set it up. Same as the nukes. LOL.”
Not all Republicans left such brazen remarks. Barely Legitimate Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett kept it demure, leaving reserved comments on the niche Catholic site FaithfulEncounters.repent.
“They really portray sex properly here. Lights off, silent, shameful, and reproductive.”
The site also offers viewers the option to tune in to a live stream of the child’s birth that results from each encounter, ensuring that the act was, in fact, reproductive, as God intended. Viewers can even vote on the baby’s name, with choices limited to Matthew, Mary, Ruth, John, or Paul.
Barrett wasn’t the only devout follower of scripture caught giving her two-cents on adult content. Mitt Romney left an all-too-predictable comment on PornHub in the not-so-popular category “Boy-Girl Like Like Each Other, Not Cousins.” The Utah Senator’s comment was left beneath a traditional romance scene fully shrouded under a thick, floral-patterned quilt—something straight out of a 1970s church rummage sale.
Similarly vanilla comments were found under the “Real Couples” section of PornHub, where Mike Pence left his own mark:
“Hold up, folks. Before I hit play—just to be clear—they are married, right?”
Sources say he returned to the comments repeatedly, each time requesting additional assurances of the actors’ marital status. Even after receiving the copy of their jointly filed tax return, Pence insisted he “only watched the video for the kissing scenes” and claimed he “dutifully closed his eyes during the rest.” Just after he made these comments, Pence was reportedly seen at a local church confession, murmuring details of his viewing experience while the priest struggled to stifle laughter.
But it wasn’t just Republicans caught in the act. Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, apparently a fan of repairman scenarios, was also found posting under a classic scene. In the comments section of Beefcake Handyman Snakes Busty Red Head’s Pipes, Bernie wrote, “What union does he belong to? Those benefits look fantastic!”
Hand job made possible by collective bargaining of the United Association
Not even the current President of the United States was immune to having his adult film comments leaked. Under an ill-filmed POV shot in the back of a 2014 Hyundai Elantra, Joe Biden penned, “How to get movie from VHS to DVD?” It appears the President confused RedTube for YouTube in a mistake that White House aides claim, “Should not have lasted four hours.”
One of the aides alleged that he heard Biden disapprovingly yell “C’mon Man!” after a series of spanking noises emanated from his computer.
At press time, Biden stated:
“Back in Scranton, we treat women like ladies. Not ONE of the fellas in those videos bought his lady flowers. Not James Deen, not Manuel Ferrara, not Johnny Sins, not Mick Blue, not Rocco Siffredi, not Keiran Lee, not Rocky Thrustmore, not Brock Hammerstein, not Max Steele, not Hank Poundstone, and certainly not Diesel Magnum.”
Sources say that Biden didn’t even have notes when he delivered this.