DeSantis Bans Pro-Choice Ads, Rolls Out ‘Women’s Mode’ for a Dainty and Feminine TV Experience

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In his ongoing crusade to shield women from the modern horror of personal freedom, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has taken his latest censorship efforts to the next level. Following his move to pressure TV stations into pulling abortion-rights ads, DeSantis is now going after other “dangerous” ads directed at women. In an unprecedented move, DeSantis has also announced a complete ban on tampon commercials across Florida airwaves.

The Governor, who has never menstruated but feels strongly about the subject, explained that no woman should have to be reminded of the “absolutely disgusting things that their bodies do.” “Look, these tampon ads are basically promoting menstruation, which I am personally against,” DeSantis said, visibly uncomfortable. “Women should not have to see commercials that encourage them to feel okay about something as gross as bleeding every month. It’s unnatural to talk about it, much less advertise it.” DeSantis went on to show the actions he’s taken to address menstruation in his own home: "As a father, I've made sure my daughters understand the importance of modesty and tradition. That's why we've set up a menstruation hut in our backyard—a quiet, private space where they can go during that time of the month, so they can let their periods be the shameful experience they’re supposed to be."

Sources say the walls of the menstruation hut are adorned with a lone poster of One Direction, ensuring DeSantis's daughters can feel properly embarrassed in front of Harry Styles.

But DeSantis didn’t stop at banning reproductive ads. He’s now going after another menace to women’s well-being: college commercials. “Higher education is just too dangerous for women. College gives them ideas—dangerous ones—about careers, independence, and maybe even kissing a girl,” DeSantis warned. As a result, all commercials for universities, colleges, or any form of advanced learning are being pulled from women’s programming in Florida. “We need to protect women from ambition,” DeSantis explained. “It’s for their own good and my re-election.”

To keep women safe from any inappropriate content that sneaks through, DeSantis has introduced a new bill requiring that all women be accompanied by an adult male when watching television. The “Men Monitor Act” mandates that a man over the age of 18 must be present whenever a woman turns on the TV, to supervise and guide her through the complexities of television programming and button pressing.

“For those women who don’t have access to an adult male, don’t worry—we’ve got you covered,” DeSantis assured. The state will provide male supervision through a new online service called “Daddy’s Watch.” With just the click of a button, women can request a state-approved male companion to watch TV with them—ensuring they don’t accidentally stumble across any dangerous ideas while flipping channels.

Critics have already spoken out against DeSantis’s initiative, saying it’s wrong for women to be unable to watch TV without male supervision—especially with a new season of Bridgerton coming out. "We can't have unsupervised swooning," DeSantis reportedly quipped. However, DeSantis made it clear to residents of the Sunshine and Meth state that he’s not ignoring their concerns. “Look, I hear you loud and clear. That’s why we’re rolling out Women’s Mode on TVs across Florida. In this mode, women will have access to only three TV shows, so they don’t have to filter through inappropriate content or get distracted by too many choices.”

According to sources, the three TV shows available in Women’s Mode are The Barefoot Contessa, Say Yes to the Dress, and a slideshow of kitten pictures with not-so-subliminal messaging.

And with that, DeSantis has assured Florida’s women a future free from the unnecessary burdens of autonomy, ambition, and pesky bodily functions. When asked if he had any final words for his female constituents, DeSantis smiled and said, “I’m just doing what any good man would do—helping women stay right where they’re needed most.”

At press time, Florida legislators were reportedly drafting a new bill to require male supervision for all women's book purchases, with “Brosephus Reads”—a male-monitored book selection service—scheduled to roll out next month.