Family Keeps Elderly Father on Life Support to Maintain Narrow Monthly Profit Margin
PITTSBURGH, PA — In a display of practicality and financial savvy, the Henderson family has decided to keep their 95-year old father on life support indefinitely, citing his $1,250 monthly Social Security check as a “steady income stream” and “honestly, way more useful than he ever was as a parent.”
“We did the math,” said Beth Henderson, the eldest daughter, as she sipped herbal tea next to her father’s beeping life-support machine. “It costs about $1,000 a month to keep Dad plugged in. But thanks to his Social Security, we come out $250 ahead. We’re basically making money keeping him alive.”
The decision came after an emotional family meeting, where the Henderson patriarch’s many indiscretions over the years were painfully recounted. “He missed my soccer championship because I played ‘Qi’ for 33 points in Scrabble the night before. He really hated 2-letter plays and traditional Chinese medicine.” said Jane, Beth’s younger sister.
The $250 surplus, the family says, has been a game-changer. “We used it for a one-night stay at the Marriott last month. It wasn’t the Ritz or anything, but they had a continental breakfast,” said son Jake Henderson, proud of his family’s fiscal responsibility. “That’s a whole morning of free bagels and yogurt, courtesy of Dad. We’ll always remember him for that.”
Jane chimed in: “The month before, we used it on one of those fancy car washes with the rainbow soap. Dad always said the car was fine with just the hose, but honestly, the wax coating really made the difference.”
Beth nodded, adding, “And the month before that, we treated ourselves to a really nice dinner at Olive Garden. Unlimited breadsticks. Dad may not have been big on Italian food, but now, in a way, he’s paying for it. It's the little things.”
Beth and her daughter Ellie, proudly showing off their latest “Grandpa profit” haul
While friends have criticized their choices, the Hendersons insist it’s a win-win. “Honestly, Dad wasn’t even that great when he was awake,” Beth admitted. “He tried to raise me as his son, which was weird because I have an older brother. I’ll never forget those days fishing by the lake... though it always felt like cheating when Dad brought his .22 caliber.”
But now, thanks to his steady income and incredible subscription packages, the Hendersons have learned to embrace him as family again. Among the more lucrative benefits of their father’s continued life is his impressive collection of monthly subscriptions. “His Harry & David subscription is amazing,” Jane explained while unwrapping the latest shipment of artisanal cheeses. “The man never could say ‘I love you,’ but now? Every month, we get these incredible cheese wheels. It’s like he’s finally showing he cares.”
Beyond the Cheese of the Month Club, their father’s subscriptions include Netflix, Spotify Premium, and a highly coveted vintage Playboy membership. “Honestly, the Spotify alone is worth it,” Jake said. As for the Playboy subscriptions, the three children divide these amongst themselves based on hair color of the centerfold.
Beth also explained how their Dad’s absentee ballot has been a “surprising perk” since he was hooked up to life support five years ago. “He was registered as a staunch Republican his entire life,” she chuckled. “But ever since we put him on life support, he’s been voting blue because we fill in his ballots. Hell, if Grandpa had the accident sooner we might have seen Gore in office!”
But just last week, as the family gathered around the kitchen island, proudly admiring their brand-new set of Cutco knives—courtesy of their unresponsive father— they were hit with a bombshell. A letter from the government informed them that their father is about to lose his Social Security benefits—due to draft dodging the Korean War by claiming bone spurs. "We thought only famous people got caught for that," Beth sighed.
Now, with his benefits about to vanish, the Hendersons say that their Q4 earnings are about to plunge. Slipping down into the red zone, the family is facing a travesty they were never prepared for— the loss of $3,000 of disposable income per fiscal year. The last social security check will be deposited on November 1st, after which the family will be forced to “unplug the son of a bitch.”
Jane said, "We’re trying to squeeze in all the Netflix binge-watching we can before then. I mean, if we’re losing his account, we might as well finish Stranger Things first.”
After hearing how much burials cost, the family has also decided to “DIY the whole thing” and will be laying Dad to rest “in the backyard next to his old grill—he would’ve wanted it that way.”