JD Vance Admits to Having Sex With Couch, Authors Book on Hot Furniture Sex Tips
Vice Presidential candidate Jimothy Dimothy (JD) Vance has been making headlines with his bold right-wing political stances on the campaign trail with Trump. A staunch opposer of abortion and gay marriage, Vance has often invoked traditional values and natural law in his arguments. In a recent interview on the podcast “Straight Talk with the BYU Ballers,” Vance stated, “There is nothing natural about gay sex. The only place a man’s penis belongs is inside his wife or between the cushions of a velvet sectional.”
This statement came as no surprise to anyone who read his memoir, Hillbilly Elegy, which explores the universally American experiences of attending Yale, working with Silicon Valley millionaires, and raw dogging couches. But Vance’s book is not just a memoir; it’s a comprehensive guide to the world of casual encounters with furniture.
Vance displaying proper fisting technique for IKEA EKOLSUND recliner
In his book, Vance goes beyond mere anecdotes, introducing readers to his “Bangability Scale,” which rates different couches based on their suitability for intimacy. From the firmness of the cushions to the quality of the craftsmanship, Vance leaves no detail unexamined. “A leather sectional might look great in your living room,” he writes, “but you’ll regret it when you’re sliding off every five seconds.” According to Vance, the ideal couch is a plush velvet sectional, offering both comfort and stability.
He acknowledges, though, that every man has his own taste when it comes to porking sofas. “If you’re into a bit of British charm, an English roll arm sofa is right up your alley. It’s elegant, slightly nostalgic, and offers a firm yet comfortable embrace that’s great for intimate moments. And the well-endowed man, definitely make sure to enjoy the deep cushions of a Chesterfield.”
He elaborates on common mistakes of first-timers. “Avoid ottomans at all costs—they’re like the Bermuda Triangle of furniture. The angles are impossible, and you’ll end up frustrated with more bruises than satisfaction. Also, suede sofas might look fancy, but don’t even think about it with lube. You’ll turn that luxurious finish into a sticky mess that no amount of cleaning will fix.” He also cautions men against loveseats, stating that, “People call them loveseats, but they’ve never got me off!”
This would be Vance’s first and last attempt at wordplay.
But the memoir doesn’t stay so light-hearted. Vance also shares a particularly vulnerable experience involving his favorite couch. “I once had a terrifying moment where I thought my couch might be pregnant,” he reveals. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but considering what our possible offspring might look like almost made me reconsider my stance on abortion. Thankfully, it turned out to be just an overreaction to a coffee spill.” Vance now plays it safe by only sticking it to mid-centuries.
For obvious reasons, reading this book gave Donald Trump pause about JD Vance. Trump described the guide as a “YUGE waste of time,” quipping that it had “nothing useful for bottoms.”